columbia...................and i'm not talking about the sports wear....

so i went to columbia the other day. at the airport in bogata i was going through customs and i had forgotten to get the name and address of where i was staying, mistake, the guy said, "next time you come to columbia know where your staying." i said, "yes sir." but i was thinking if i was a 'mule' or anything else i would never make a mistake like that. i would know where i was going and everything else. i'm just little white girl from nebraska trying to go to cartagena.

i could feel the humidity before i got off the plane in cartagena. i wasn't excited! it was hot and sticky and bugs everywhere! it was tough the entire time i was there. i didn't know who was picking me up but i knew that he would have a sign with my name on it, i felt official. we hopped in a taxi, then a bus, then a motorcycle taxi to a village where i met my new columbian mom. she turned out to be the biggest blessing there! at her house, i should of took pics, that evening i felt like it was nineteen thirty something and i was hemingway in cuba. the house was beautiful, with no air conditioning. they opened up the patio where the dining room table was, its hard to describe. white pillars were windows and they separated me from the backyard where the chickens and turtles lived. they had families of turtles........among the fruit trees that she picked to make fresh juice with. caged birds hung over our heads while we ate. no hot water, but we didn't need it because it was too hot for that anyway!

my last night there i was sitting on my bed listening to my ipod scratching my mosquito bites. mamasita came in and gave me some columbian coffee (awesome) and looked at my feet and my legs covered in mosquito bites. my ankles were so swollen too! she had me lay down and put my feet in her lap. she put a natural cream on my bites then put some vapor stuff on my ankles. i've never had that before. she really blessed me with all she did for me the five days i stayed there! but that last night, when she left my room i started crying. she is my columbian mom.

the link is to my pics of columbia! i hate taking pics but i did it. the boy arnulfo i met the first day, he is luz mary's sister. he knew the basic three english sentences they teach in public schools so we had fun in spanish and english. he listened to my ipod all the time. and had fun being silly.

i feel like this is the most basic blog i've done. i'm not writing about the americans and my frustrations with them. i'm not gonna write about the hundreds that came to know jesus! the most important to me was the time with my columbian mom.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=45857&l=a6292&id=647631028

makeup and plucking and fingers.............................

***just a heads up, i talk about some pretty personal stuff in this one, and cuss a little bit but it helps me and that is really all i care about...............................................************

i'm sitting here listening to waterdeep, i've been listening to them a lot since i got here. i don't know why. i've heard that when you're craving something to eat there is something in that food that your body needs. that's probably how worship works. i crave different music because i'm sure my soul is desperate for it. my new favorite song is "stars" by david crowder. i love it. i'm forcing andres to learn to play it so we can sing it. its a good one.

today i bought something i haven't had in like 10 years. no, not razors. but i see that coming down the highway about 45 mph and picking up speed. its weird. its the culture, i really feel like i need to change a few things because of the culture. okay so i bought tweezers today to pluck my eyebrows. i haven't plucked in like 10 years, maybe more. i haven't really cared about it, but i care a little bit now. and one of the girls sells avon type stuff but its not avon its some other thing, and i'm working up the courage to finally ask her if i can by some, hold on to your hats, makeup. AAAAHHHHHHHH! just something simple. i swear its the culture. ya right. i think i actually want to wear makeup. just some eyemakeup.

i think i ultiamely stopped wearing makeup because of the "attention." i remember the day i stopped. and i remember why. that was the day i decided to dread my hair and began not wanting to be noticed. that was the day i used a man for booze then accused him of assaulting me, but it was kinda the other way around. man that was a long time ago. how do i find a man who wanted to disappear before i knew him and no one knows why but him, then after i accused him there were dozens of people angry at him and because they took my word over his because i wasn't the thief or the drunk, yet. he disappeared then. last i heard he had passed out and was floating down a river. was he dead? i never found out for sure. i had two mexican gangsters from vegas ready to "take care of him" for me if i just say the word. but it was all my fault. i went after what he had in his cooler and i knew what to do to get it, then i was embarrassed because of who he was so i cried wolf. whose the whore now? i know i'm forgiven but if there is some way to make it right i would. but, what if he's dead? which is a big possibility. am i responsible at all? i don't know. maybe a little. maybe not.

but that is why i stopped shaving and stopped wanting attention. that is when i became the drunk and thief. that is what makeup and shaving and plucking makes me think of. it makes me think of mexican gangsters who took my word over a fellow thief and killer just trying to get by, working hard to change something bad in their life.

i changed that day, because i became a liar. for years i lied about that night. to so many people. people at church! counselors! my mom. it was a terrible night....maybe i should write about the actual events. it might help me.

okay, i was living in utah at the time. i had been in zion national park for a couple of weeks and was not saved but was there to lead the church services with a well known ministry for parks. i worked at the lodge cleaning rooms. i just wanted to go to utah, church smurch! before i left i remember saying that i wasn't going to drink there. that should of been a good indication that i shouldn't be going, espically to lead church service. but i went and my first week i found the booze. and then i met this guy who was a busser, nicknamed fingers. i remember meeting him in the edr (employee dining room), i can't believe i remember that. i heard him say something funny and i turned to look at him and he said hello. i said hey, and i knew then his entire story. who he was and that he was a drunk and that he was attracted to me. so i started my plan to see what i could use him for! he had some whiskey and lots of beer, so that's what i did. okay the night in question.......well the night before we got really drunk together and i knew i owed him for the booze, so i payed him. then the next night was strange. me, him and his roommate drove to arizona to get real booze, it was about an hour drive. i drove cause i hadn't been drinking and i thought it would be fun. that is when i realized how much this guy liked me and it scared me. we got back and drinking started. i don't know how much i had. then i went to the bathroom and he followed me and pulled me into his room. his roommate came in and i panicked. i had to get out of there because i could see my life if i got into a sexual relationship with this guy. it would of been bad. i've been around it my whole life, booze and i couldn't be around a drunk and pay him in sex. am i a hooker? maybe i was. and more stories about him came in my mind where he would be so drunk he would pass out and then piss in his pants. this was my dad. i had to get out of there. so i left, with him to go to my room. i always have told people that he followed me and i couldn't get away from him. bull shit! he brought a bucket of beers and we went to my room. i don't remember most of that night but this whole part i remember. crap, i don't want to write this. we walked to my dorm, i remember hearing the bats above our heads and that was when he took my hand and was holding it. (my head is spinning as i write this) i've never told anyone this part, the truth anyways. i remember thinking how i wanted to be a bat and get away but i didn't know how. so we walked and we were outside my dorm by then and that's when i felt sick and started to cry. i was so embarrased, not about what i was doing but who i was with. this man who was missing fingers because of jumping trains, that's why they called him fingers. we were standing outside the door and i couldn't go in. he asked if my roommate was home and i said, "i don't have one." "good then we can be alone." i started to cry more. he was so drunk and i think i still was but sobering up. then, some guys came out the door and saw us. they asked what was going on and i just looked at them like i was the innocent victim. they took him away. i went to my room and threw up. i threw up out of disgust of myself and him.

oh gosh, the next day. hung over i looked out my window and saw him standing in front of the dorm. i went down to the other dorm and found the mexican gangsters and began the lies. i told them that he wouldn't leave me alone and i couldn't get him off me. but i was on him when his roommate came into the room. they believed me. they all did. two days later he was staying with some hippies on some free land and i heard he was drinking really bad and the last someone saw him he was floating down the river. the park, the whole park! ZION NATIONAL PARK put a restraining order on him.

when i came back to oklahoma i met Jesus. but after a few months of bing drinking. i know some close friends have similar stories of things they regret from that summer in utah. after several months i had a dream that he came after me with a shot gun. sometimes i think i deserve it.

i pray for him. i hope he is alive. i'm sure i could never find him if i tried. that is why i feel more now than ever that i need to make it right. but Jesus, show me how.

so, that is why i think i don't deserve to be with a man that grew up pretty normal, grew up with a healthy family. grew up and never had a drink or used anyone. never binged on anythig. that is why i always go for the ones that i shouldn't and i always know better. before then i think i used to like nice guys. this ist he brief version. there is much more to the story, like the mexican gansters part and outside my dorm. but, that may be for another time. ................................................................

it's not about me..........................

the other day was my 34th birthday. and it was the hardest day i've had here, and i've had some hard days.

in january when i get a new calendar for the year i always look at my birthday and what day of the week it lands on, this year was sunday. i remember being so excited and i remember thinking, "i'll be at bridgeway on my birthday." i was still in the beginning stages of coming to ecaudor.

saturday night i was sitting in my room crying out to the Lord asking Him for a good day the next day because i have been so spoiled on my birthdays since i came to know Him! i have always been surrounded by people that really love me and know how to love me. i've pouted my way into my friends giving me birthday parties. i've told people exactly what i want, which i think is really really good. i think because i felt so alone my whole life Jesus really desired me to ask for what i wanted for my birthday. i have several favorite birthdays, one of my favorites was with all my friends around me and they had all gotten together and bought me new sewing stuff. that was awesome! i'll never forget it! my second favorite is when i was in wyoming and we had a huge dinner, the chefs, 'cause i new them, spoiled me! lots of great food! wine! it was so much fun! then we went to montana and had a benecio del toro marathon. awesome!

so naturally i'm expecting a lot. i started praying about a month before hand that it would be good. but i new on saturday night it would be hard. sunday morning, my birthday, i woke up, and called a friend, woke her up. we talked for a while, then went upstairs for breakfast. geovanna made eggs and they all wished me a happy birthday. there was a card for me and it was nice. then church, then lunch. then the guys all went to the park to ride bikes. i sat in my room and wanted so bad to go get my coffee i wanted, but no. i cried instead. i cried pretty much all day. i was really missing my friends and bridgeway. i was missing how the Lord really blesses me on my birthday. but i don't think its really all about me. what i wanted, which there is a little more to the story than i'm sharing, didn't happen. what I wanted. not what God wanted for me.

i wanted the world to know that its my birthday! that i'm very important that day! but as i write this i am thinking about a girl i grew up with who shared my birthday and she was teased a whole lot more than me cause the way she looked and acted. kids, including me, called her animal from the muppets cause that is how she acted. i'm thinking of her now wondering where she's at and what she is doing and if she has ever known love on her birthday, especially the way i have! has she? i'll probably never know! Jesus, i ask right now that You reveal Your amazing and perfect love to her! reveal it! show her how much she is loved! heal her wounds Jesus as You have healed mine!

so, after the guys get home, which i was so jealous i didn't get to go! it was a guy thing! another get over it verla thing........... i'm in the house, i don't remeber what i was doing, maybe reading. and everyone was going upstairs, like everyone all at once. it was a little weird. and i thought maybe it was something for my bday, but i didn't want to hope. then, joel came to get me. "vamos arriba!" okay. we go upstairs and when i open the door everyone starts singing happy birthday, there is a cake and it was very nice! then geovanna prayed for me. she prayed that the Lord would bless my family in the states and bless my family here in ecaudor. that's when i began crying. i blew out the question mark candle after a wish. and we ate cake, diego talked about the constitution and that was about it. it was simple and nice. perfect.

i think i want to be a part of this family more than anything! i battle knowing they really want me around EVERY DAY! like right now i just looked at the time, its about time for me to go up and help with dinner, but i'm thinking, "should i go, i should wait for a bit, so they don't get so sick of me." this is what i say every single day! EVERY DAY! and i've had healing in this area!

its that part of me that has always felt unwanted and unaccepted. that part of me that really truly desires to be with people but am too scared to do it. the Lord told me in december, "I created you for community." that i think is knowing that people in general desire to be with me. community. what about family? does my family really want me around? does my family here really want me around? i don't believe either one wants me around. which one is the lie. Jesus? what will it take to heal that part of me? Jesus!? show me!

am i really that undesirable? i ask that question every year at my birthday, cause i'm still single, never dated, never had a boyfriend. recently my friend said that another friend said not to ask those questions because the enemy will answer them. she's right. cause when i look in the mirror i don't believe that any man would ever desire being with me. a wretch like me. someone as selfish as me. someone who is so quick to turn to the words of a guy than the word of the Lord. i also really battle that a decent man would ever want to be with me. i usually say, "no way, he won't want anything to do with me when he finds this out about me." but, of course i would tell girls, "well, you don't want to be with him anyway!" what's good for others isn't usually good for me.

so, its 6:46 and i'm wondering how much longer i should wait until i go upstairs. usually i just say, "Jesus, help me! i'm fearful! give me strength." then i can go. but sometimes, not a lot at all, i wait, its usually when i'm struggling pretty badly, for them to get me or call for me.

okay, vamos arriba................

v-m

humility........................

okay, last time i wrote that i would talk about the lessons in humility i have had recently. i am honestly daily tested in false pride and humility.

when we were in banos, i can't put the accent marks where they need to go, its not pronounced how you think, my lessons in humility were awesome and came one right after another!

but, i will tell the major one! okay, were are standing at the top of a gorge! it was amazing! the water just was spectacular as it crashed! i've seen waterfalls before, but somehow this was different! so diego starts heading down it, and the guys start running, i'm cool so i start running down it with them! the path is straight down and difficult. toward the bottom i turn around and look at the steep climb back up and think, "oh Jesus you're gonna need to help me with this!" we get to the bottom and i'm dieing already! i should not of ran down! it was at least 1,000 ft or more straight down. i sit, and my legs are like mush! i can't walk very well and my head is pounding! "what was i thinking?!" i'm too fat and out of shape for this! but i had to keep up with the guys! i have to be cool! i don't want them to think any less of me!

its time to go back up........no way. i start and i go maybe 10ft. and that's it. i sit. one of geovanna's sisters saw me and came back, everyone else were out of sight. i couldn't think in spanish, i could only think in english! it was awesome and really fun! so basically, i could only go about 10ft. and i would have to sit for 5 minutes. one of the cousin's, whose 9, came running down and was sent to get geovanna. geovanna came down and that is when the humiliation of it all was right there! i started to cry. geovanna said, "what are you doing!? there is NO reason to cry! no reason! so what! it happens!" and it was amazing! i felt the embarrassment just lift off me and i was like okay. then she said, "you can cry when i die!" i said, "okay." its a joke between us now.

then, i did cry with this and i'll probably start crying more. horses use part of the trail to go down and at one point there was a river of poop. i totally stepped in it and covered my foot with horse poop! it was so gross! so we are getting closer to the top and our 9 year old cousin comes with a jug of water kept in the car for the car. i needed to wash the poop. i took my sandal off and was going to wash my foot and geovanna got down on the ground and washed my foot and my shoe of all the poop. she used her hand to get the dried poop off. my heart was bursting with humility! with servant hood for her and diego and the family! her humility broke me and my pride. i have been so ashamed of the way i look my whole life. i try to be more than i am because i don't won't others to think i can't do it! what a crock of crap! seriously! if i can't do it, whatever. the Lord has been trying to teach me that for years! i get it sometimes then forget and try to be something i'm not.

then at the top all the guys were waiting and diego. i came out smiling and laughing! geovanna's sister handed me a beer with about half left and, i NEVER do this, i just drank the rest of it! diego just rolled his eyes and said "let's go!" of course then i felt sick, i should of drank water not beer. i did get some water and i was fine! no one made me feel stupid! we got in the car and went to the next thing! my legs were pretty much jello, but it was okay.

since then, i'm a walker. i've been walking a lot. oh yah! when doug and matt were here we went up to take a gondola ride to the top of the volcano that looks over the city. yah, it was the steepest climb, not like in banos but pretty bad! then three sets of long stairs to get the gondola. i couldn't believe it. i did it! slowly, the guys had to wait for me, but no complaining! no teasing, well inappropriate teasing anyway! and if they tease, i don't take it personally, its cause they love and care about me! they are my brothers.

the pics are of the gondola ride, we were at 14,000ft above the city. it was freezing and raining but awesome!

v-m

Jesus... did you forget i was here?

i'm sitting here trying to start writing, not that i'm stuck i just want to figure out how honest i want to be. i want to be transparent but i don't want people to worry or stop supporting me or something weird. doug gable and a guy from his church was here for five days, most of those days i were sick. they worked and blessed so many people it was amazing! the last day they were here doug preached at a church about fear in doing what the Lord has called you to do. he prayed for so many people and i really wanted him to pray for me. i really wanted him to dig into my heart and find out what is wrong with me and pull it out! expose the lie that i'm believing! but, he didn't i sat there watching him and smiled, then cried a little bit. then thought about why i'm here. then i heard, "you're just not as important as these guys." i believed it, and still do. maybe i should of asked him to pray for me..................

yesterday i got two words from people, they were amazing! but still part of me believes that the Lord has forgotten about me and i'm in this stagnant water. right now as i type there is a fly flying around my head. its pretty symbolic. He told me that i would be waiting on Him before i even left oklahoma, he warned me. but i am sure that He has forgotten me in many parts of my life! what i want though is things to change in my heart first before things change, i want to believe that He remembers me and knows my needs and will use me before it all happens. i want to trust Him and have the faith to step out in that faith! i talked to a very good friend yesterday and she said, "i'm glad things are going good." and instead of saying no, things are crazy and weird i said, "yah. thanks."

things are changing at my church in oklahoma too, and part of me is wanting to be there for that and be there to work with my friend with women in prostitution and the sex trafficking industry! part of me wants to grab a ticket and head home and start over in oklahoma, again. then, i look outside to the mountains and watch the kids and hang out with my new brothers and i know i'm supposed to be here! i know i'm supposed to be here, the Lord was overwhelming with His provision! i know i'm supposed to be here because its right! because i've become a part of family here that is amazing! because of so many other reasons! its my heart that needs transformed.

i wish that i heard from people more, i wish that i wasn't here alone. i guess that's why Jesus says go two by two. He promised me a helper too! where is that helper? sometimes i wonder if i don't ask Him about it He'll think i forgot and move on to something else. i know that isn't Him but sometimes that is how i feel. and i know that He hasn't forgotten about me! i know that isn't His characteristics! I know His characteristic's, but that is how i feel! i know i'm supposed to wait on Him, and study spanish, and His timing is perfect, that is why i want my heart to change first!

the pics are from the roof. its part of the view..................i didn't take them. i haven't really taken pics, i just rely on others which isn't very good. i rely on everyone for everything! i really have no independence, i have some but not really. right now diego and geovanna are both gone. i've been cooking and stuff which has been interesting. very different for me................but fun.

okay, that is as transparent as i can be without being totally crazy! there is other stuff but i'm not writing it in here! no way! i don't know if people actually read this, i assume one or two actaully do, others glance. which is fine, i've done that. i do that! i've been reading people's blogs and writing more now though because i want to honor them when they write their hearts because i want to be honored. i guess in all that i'm feeling a little forgotten by everyone...... mostly Jesus. Jesus change my heart.

v-m

i love the Word!

I've been spending a lot of time in the Word and being reminded of His promises to me! I was going through my Bible and reading notes, I read one that I had written to the Lord about trusting Him regarding provision. I wrote, "I don't know how I'm going to pay rent but today I'm going to trust You." I usually write the date but for some reason I didn't and I am sure I can imagine when it was when I wrote it! But, I was going through Isaiah, which I love. My first years with Jesus He took me through Isaiah many times and made many promises to me through Isaiah's words! Isaiah 40:1-5...

Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.

Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD's hand
double for all her sins.

A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD ;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God.

Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.

And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

vs. 9-11

You who bring good tidings to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem,
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
"Here is your God!"

See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
and his arm rules for him.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

What I love about reading these verses is looking out the window to the mountains and praying for the women who are looking for their Lover, for their Shepard! Their desire is to be comforted in their pain!

I'm not going to put the rest of the verses, you can look 'em up if you want! Is. 41:8-10, Is. 43:1-13, Is. 55, particularly vs. 12, that is my life verse! When I was still deciding if the the Lord was sending me my friend was praying for me and she prayed that verse! My life verse! The verse the Lord gave me when I met Him and I knew I wanted to work full-time for Him! It was amazing! Those verses are just a few of His promises for me! I just wanted to share them because He has been reminding me of what we have been talking about since I started seeking Him! And, the day I left OKC, my flight is delayed and I open up my Bible and He gives me Psalm 27:14, "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." So, I'm waiting, everything that we pursue for me to do here the Lord shuts the door. So I am waiting and spending my days with Him! And His pursuit of me! And His pursuit of His work through me! He is building me up! He is gonna overflow me! He is gonna make me a wellspring! So Jesus do it! Anoint me!

But, its hard. When my heart feels the victims of abuse! When I see homeless children on the streets begging and the hardness in their eyes and I can feel their hearts breaking because they do things that we could never imagine doing for food and shelter! Women sending their kids to do these things for food and their soul's being ripped in two because they really don't want to do this! But, I'm waiting, because the Lord said wait!

v-m

everyone is invited...........................

when i first arrived here i was really apprehensive to be with this family that seemed to care about every need i had no matter the need. my eating needs were the most important, then my trash needs, now its about relationships. its about the fact that everyone is invited! you don't have to ask if you can come, its assumed even if there is no room in the car, room will be made. if you are playing a game, everyone can play! if you loose so what! its about being together and loving each other well! if i want to be alone, i can. if i want to follow my housemate around all morning while she washes her clothes outback or feeds one of her two boys i can. if you get made fun of its nothing personal, its just fun!

everyone is invited. that is what is so amazing about jesus and his church and community. all are invited! you just have to come and take part.

okay, so in all honesty, yesterday i woke up thinking, "what the heck am i doing here?" okay, so part of my problem is that all i'm doing is studying spanish and sewing! i've been sewing, which i love, clown pants for the ministry because they are desperate for them! and building relationships with the family. which isn't enough for me because i'm proud. so i was asking the lord to help me. then i started thinking i shouldn't eat, or anything, i didn't deserve it, and that the family was thinking i was a bad person because i wasn't doing much. but, again i'm proud. so i was praying this yesterday morning and i opened up to where i'm at in my bible and read this............

romans 14:17-23......................

...
for the kingdom of god is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the holy spirit. because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to god and approved by men. let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. do not destroy the work of god for the sake of food..............(v22) blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. but the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

i decided that because i'm not working like a dog yet i'm not a good christian, i'm not a good servant of the Lord! but, there are many ways i have impacted the family here! i don't feel like i can post them because i want to respect the privacy of the family! plus, how long have i been here? two weeks! i can't change quito in two weeks... maybe one month but not two weeks!!!!

the pictures are of diego and geovanna's nephew and niece's! just three of the many! they were taken in the house i stay in. we were being very silly! the littlest girl just started talking to me today. the little boy lives with his mom in the house i live in! they are fun.

ALL ARE INVITED!


v-m